Keep Your Hands Off My Tree

Following in the holiday tradition of my 2020 cover of “Blue Christmas”, my 2021 original “So Sorry Santa“, and my 2022 original “Christmas Love Song“, I present another original, just in time for Christmas, titled “Keep Your Hands Off My Tree.”

I now have enough for an EP.

As you can probably tell from the title, this is another novelty song. In this post, I noted that I plan to release my more whimsical/novelty recordings under the band name Johnny Astonish and the Remarkables, and this is no exception. It should be available via most streaming services by the first or second week of 2024. I really need to get an earlier start on these holiday releases.

This is not entirely a solo effort. My good friend, neighbor, and guitarist, Peter, provides most of the guitar work here, including the spot-on guitar solo, which he created soon after receiving an early instrumental demo I quickly assembled. Peter also came up with the idea of inserting the “Joy to the World” homage at the end, which he plays.

At this point it probably goes without saying that the original kernel of this song — the concept and melody — came to me while walking my dog, Bernie. I wonder if Bernie knows how inspirational our daily strolls through town have been.

For this year’s Christmas release, I initially had written a slower, more melancholy tune, but I struggled to develop lyrics that fit the melody and conveyed the sentiment I had in mind. Peter thought the vibe of that tune felt more “autumnal”, so I set it aside for a future project. I then decided to go a more poppy-jangly-Beatlesque route, and eventually zeroed in on the chords, melody, and structure you hear on this track.

There’s not a lot of nuance in the lyrics. I know people are very particular about how they choose to decorate their Christmas trees. I’m no exception (ornaments have to dangle, dammit!). This song reflects that attitude: You may not like my sense of style, but it’s my style, so get over it.

On this recording, you hear some very Ringo-like drums I programmed using native Garage Band drum samples, a bass line I played on my Squier Classic Vibe ’60s Jazz bass, a rhythm guitar track I banged out on my Rickenbacker 620 (piped directly into Garage Band through its Vox amp emulator), Peter playing both his 1997 Martin OM-28 acoustic and Gretsch 2420T 6-string guitars, and real live sleigh bells which I picked up a few summers ago at a neighbor’s yard sale. Peter’s Martin has no pick-ups, so I had to record his acoustic track “over the air”, which was a first for me. It required 2 mics and Peter to remain more or less in one position as we captured several takes over about an hour. He’s a pro!

Following my new standard, the cover art for this release is at the top of this page, and the lyrics follow the additional audio format, which I am now limiting to just MP3, below.

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Lyrics

Keep your hands off my tree
It’s not for you, it’s for me
You might feel you want to change it
Or completely rearrange it
But just let it be

There’re bare spots everywhere
It kinda leans to the right
But let’s have a silent night
And leave it alone

The pine scent’s from a can
Like the artificial snow
But you gotta let it go
It’s a no-touch zone

So keep your hands off my tree
It’s not for you, it’s for me
You may decide to hate it
Cause of how I decorate it
But just let it be

Half the lights are out
There’re some ugly ornaments
But they’re my adorn-a-ments
They look fine to me

Tinsel is flung about
The garland’s all askew
It shouldn’t matter to you
So hear my plea

Keep your hands off my tree
It’s not for you, it’s for me
It’s just the way I planned it
You don’t have to understand it
Just let it be

On this Christmas day
We don’t have to fight
Tis the season
There’s no reason
We can’t make this right

So there’s my Christmas tree
And all its obvious flaws
But you’re not Santa Clause
So can’t we agree?

To keep your hands off my tree
It’s not for you, it’s for me
You may decide to hate it
Cause of how I decorate it
And this is where I must restate it
Let it be